Nel's New Day

October 27, 2013

Republican Jesus™ v. Tea Party Jesus

Filed under: Uncategorized — trp2011 @ 2:10 PM
Tags: , , , ,

During the past few decades, conservative groups have adopted Republican Jesus™ as the motivating factor behind their politics.

  • Are you not white? Republican Jesus™ hates you.
  • Are you a woman? Republican Jesus™ hates you.
  • Are you gay? Republican Jesus REALLY hates you. And so on.

The problem with Republican Jesus™ is that he isn’t Republican enough. Thus extremists developed Tea Party Jesus. At birth, Tea Party Jesus swore that he cared nothing about social issues, just those economic ones called Taxed Enough Already and Obamacare. He ignored the fact that taxes were the lowest in 50 years.

And that the namesake for Tea Party Jesus was an 18th-century “tea party” that didn’t protest taxes. The protester opposed a tax cut for the international corporation East Indian Company that undermined local businesses. While he uses “Taxation Without Representation!” for a slogan, Tea Party Jesus has the best representation that billions in corporate money can buy as corporations destroy small businesses.

Republican Jesus™ really liked Tea Party Jesus because he voted against President Obama, the only thing that Republican Jesus™ really cared about at the time. Even when Tea Party Jesus obsessed about President Obama’s birth certificate and constantly made racist remarks about the president, Republican Jesus™ didn’t seem to worry. But it kept getting worse.

  • Tea Party Jesus believes that being taxed lower than he was in Reagan’s 1980s is the same as being overburdened with taxes.
  • Tea Party Jesus believes that the financial crisis of 2008, brought on by Wall Street running amok, is proof that we need less government regulation.
  • Tea Party Jesus is absolutely positive that the deficit has gone up since Obama took office.
  • Tea Party Jesus knows, just knows, that President Obama is a secret Muslim.
  • Tea Party Jesus believes that ACORN stole the 2008 election.
  • Tea Party Jesus also believes ACORN stole the 2012 election. They’re not entirely clear how that is possible since ACORN ceased to exist in 2010 but, darn it!, they believe!

Republican Jesus™ does have strong similarities to Tea Party Jesus. Both love guns more than they do people. Both love the rich like a dog loves its abusive master. Both love the free market even if they can’t define it. And both love the Constitution—at least the Second Amendment.

The two of them, however, part ways at hate. Republican Jesus™ uses hate because it sells well, but he’s willing to drop any hate rhetoric if it hurts him at the voting booth. Tea Party Jesus really does hate, so much that he thinks he can say his angry rhetoric openly. Republican Jesus™ knows that open racism is bad for his business, just as trashing women and bashing gays doesn’t get him votes. Tea Party Jesus, however, takes great pride in his hate.

  • Tea Party Jesus wants you to know how much he hates homosexuals. But don’t you call him a bigot!
  • Tea Party Jesus wants you to know how much he despises the poor.
  • Tea Party Jesus wants you to know how little he thinks of women’s rights.
  • Tea Party Jesus wants you to know he thinks rape isn’t really a crime.
  • Tea Party Jesus wants you to know how much he hates porch monkeys crackheads n*ggers black people. But don’t you call him a racist!
  • Tea Party Jesus wants you to know how much wetbacks drug mules dirty illegals Latinos disgust him. Still not a racist!
  • Tea Party Jesus wants you to know how much he sneers at the lazy young who only want the same affordable college and job opportunities and pensions and Social Security benefits that HE got. Tea Party Jesus EARNED all that good stuff by being born at the right time to the right family! Get your own!
  • Tea Party Jesus wants you to know how much he hates Muslims.
  • Tea Party Jesus wants you to know how much he loathes contraception in all its forms. If whores have sex, they should pay for it with disease and pregnancy.
  • Tea Party Jesus wants you to know how much he hates the very idea of government and that’s why you should put him in charge of it.
  • Tea Party Jesus says these things in private, in public, on stage and in front of cameras. Over and over and over again. It’s like a form of Tourette’s except instead of cursing, he says what he’s really thinking. Loudly.

Republican Jesus™ wants Tea Party Jesus to be quiet, but his bubble protects him. Inside the bubble, voices tell Tea Party Jesus “You’re the smartest boy in the room, Tea Party Jesus!” “Everyone loves you, Tea Party Jesus!” “You’re going to win the election in a landslide, Tea Party Jesus!” If he fails, Tea Party Jesus cries and rants, “It’s not MY fault! It’s Republican Jesus’™ fault! Bad Republican Jesus™! You’re just not conservative enough!”

Republican Jesus™ keeps trying to clean up Tea Party Jesus’ messes, failing to remember that he raised Tea Party Jesus to be blind, hateful, and angry. Getting closer to reality, Republican Jesus™ is making plans to defeat Tea Party Jesus in the next election. The question is whether Tea Party Jesus has gotten so strong that they will take the primaries and lose the general election. We’ll know what happens in a little more than a year.

A few examples of Tea Party Jesus in action:

Televangelist Pat Robertson wants his money and doesn’t mind letting his listeners know. When an elderly woman concerned with her husband’s medical bills asked Robertson it was okay if she didn’t tithe, Robertson blamed her for the illness. He told her that if she had tithed that he would have stayed healthy.

In another response, Robertson blamed a woman for being bad at praying away her young son’s deafness. He claimed that he could cure deafness through prayer. If she hadn’t done so, she’s doing something wrong. Another of Robertson’s blame game is that tornado victims are responsible for the disaster because they should have prayed it away.

Bryan Fischer, spokesman for the American Family Association, is well known for hatred. Most recently, the AFA supported the anti-LGBT crusade in Russia that cheers people openly beating up others for their sexual orientation and gender identity. The Christian group also uses hate speech against Muslims, pro-choice supporters, and atheists.

Because of AFA’s attack on the LGBT community with lies and hate speech, The Southern Poverty Law Center classified AFA as a hate group in 2010. Now the AFA is threatening to sue the U.S. military because an army instructor said that AFA is a hate group. Fischer claims that the AFA loves everyone:  “We love homosexuals enough to tell them the truth about the moral, spiritual and physical dangers of homosexual conduct.”

The Pentagon rewarded Fischer’s bad behavior deciding that the instructor was wrong to classify AFA as a hate group. That’s why Tea Party Jesus wins. He wails “Unfair,” and others back off. AFA accused the military of generally attacking Christianity by labeling one Christian group as a hate group, yet AFA’s membership is 180,000 out of the 316 million people in the nation, 77 percent of whom identify as Christians.

Tea Party Jesus was present in a restaurant when a group of self-identified Christians left a message telling their waiter that they refused to leave a tip because he is gay. The message read:

“Thank you for your service, it was excellent. That being said, we cannot in good conscience tip you, for your homosexual lifestyle is an affront to GOD. Queers do not share in the wealth of GOD, and you will not share in ours. We hope you will see the tip your queer choices made you lose out on, and plan accordingly. It is never too late for GOD’s love, but none shall be spared for queers. May GOD have mercy on you.”

Last month, customers left the message “None, n***er” in the designated space for a tip after they were served by a young black woman. The month before, a South Carolina restaurant denied service to a group of blacks on the others of a white customer.

Under the guidance of Tea Party Jesus, TV host Glenn Beck told his audience that parents should beat their children to teach them that their rights “come from God.”

The question is, do we continue to support Tea Party Jesus–or even Republican Jesus™?


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