Nel's New Day

October 1, 2014

Advice for Climate Deniers

Filed under: Climate change — trp2011 @ 10:06 PM
Tags: , , ,

People who live elsewhere in the world sometimes tend to think that people in the Northwest are pretty wacko. Fairly liberal politics, environmentally concerned, bicycle-riding, etc. With climate change—that many of us who live here believe—this area may be the only safe place left in the United States. The following map shows the issues that the rests of the country will have.


Red: Vulnerable low-lying coastal areas as sea-level rises 1-2 feet during the next 85 years.

Yellow: Less water availability for agriculture and other uses by 2015 as the Southwest gets less precipitation and rising temperatures cause increasing evaporation.

Orange: Worsening intensive hurricanes that also cause increased storm surge damage along the coast and heavy precipitation/flooding in the interior.

Purple: Killer heat waves as the continent interior heats up.

Green dots: Increased flowing near major rivers draining western mountains.

Conclusions about the Northwest:

  • Temperatures will rise more slowly than most of the nation due to the Pacific Ocean (see below)
  • We will have plenty of precipitation, although the amount falling as snow will decline (will fall as rain instead). But we can deal with that by building more reservoir and dam capacity (and some folks on the eastern slopes of the Cascades have proposed to do exactly that).
  • The Pacific Ocean will keep heat waves in check and we don’t get hurricanes.
  • Sea level rise is less of a problem for us due to our substantial terrain and the general elevation rise of our shorelines. Furthermore, some of our land is actually RISING relatively to the sea level because we are still recovering from the last ice age (the heavy ice sheets pushed the land down and now it is still rebounding).
  • There is no indication that our major storms…cyclone-based winds (like the Columbus Day Storm)… will increase under global warming.
  • Increased precipitation may produce more flooding, but that will be limited to river valleys and can be planned for with better river management and zoning.

Although 97 percent of the scientists believe in human-created climate change, only 3 percent of Republicans in Congress believe this—an exactly reverse statistics. Of the general population, 37 percent deny human-made climate change. In order to maintain their fantasies, Ted Alvarez has developed different reasons for the colors in the map above.

Red: Places where candy will grow on trees because of adaptation. The orange groves of Florida will become chocolate groves and migrate up the coast.

Yellow: Areas where state and local governments are more likely to enforce three-day work weeks.

Orange: Christmas every day—although they will be wetter, windier, and more hurricaney.

Purple: Great cellphone coverage with no more dropped calls—blazing-fast downloads except in underground bunkers and heat hovels.

Green dots: Awful floods that should be avoided.

Advice from Alvarez: “STAY AWAY FROM THE WHITE AREAS…. These people lord over newcomers with weird cherries, fresh seafood, and nuclear coffee. The bookstores make your feet hurt. You’ll never be dry again. At least 85 of their 2,675 beers are too hoppy. They play Nirvana in the Seattle airport every. damn. day. Animals.

As someone who lives in the Northwest, I say, Follow Ted’s advice! Especially the 97 percent of the Republicans in Congress.



  1. Whew, I was worried for a minute that there would be a stampede to the NW.


    Comment by Lee Lynch — October 1, 2014 @ 11:56 PM | Reply

  2. This one was hilarious. But also scary!


    Comment by Lori L. Lake — October 1, 2014 @ 11:46 PM | Reply

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